[Video Game Website COVER LETTER and SUBMISSION SAMPLE]

Let’s be honest.

Most of the applicants for this job will be bringing you an incredible amount of expertise
in video games. I’m speaking specifically of high scores and achievements – capabilities of playing any particular game with aplomb and talent.

I will not be bringing that to this job.

I am not great at playing video games. I use the term GREAT in its fully superlative
definition. I am GOOD at some games, but I would be hard pressed to name a game which I could run roughshod over my competitors – except maybe “Bubble Bobble,” MAYBE, and that’s
probably only because I’d be the only one who’s ever in fact played it before. Certainly not a fair
contest. Advanced age is not usually an advantage when it comes to video game feats of fancy.

What I can bring to this job, instead of expertise, is insight. The one thing I feel almost
totally secure in knowing is that I can nearly guarantee to be the only accredited philosophy major
to apply for this job.

If you are looking for pretentiously written reviews, and thematic & literary analysis, you
have found them.

If you are looking for pretentious and stupidly written reviews, and thematic & literary
analysis, I will reiterate my over 10 years’ experience as a near-full time 3rd rate stand-up
comedian in Minnesota’s finest of Twin Cities.

If you are looking for someone to write an essay about how PowerWash Simulator relates
to Jean Baudrillard’s Simulacra and Simulation, I can be that man. You don’t even need to worry
that your demographic hasn’t read that book, because I haven’t read it either, but I can sound like
I have.

This all leads me to congratulate you on finding me, possibly the most out-of-left-field
applicant for this job. What is life without taking a chance on a stupid idea every once in a while?

I look forward to the opportunity to write dumb-smart articles about smart-dumb interactive media, and I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for your time.

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KATAMARI DAMACY - THE MAW OF KTHULU

The morose toxicity of Late-Stage Capitalism, which is on display in the 2004 release

known as Katamari Damacy (taken from the Ukrainian phrase karta myra do masi, or, “map of the

world to mass”), is beheld in the incessant devouring of everything around it, throughout several

levels as the Kthulian visage of the giant ball which eats all in its path – and the insatiably

accumulative demon which steers it – grows from each of the game’s allegorical levels. First

beginning in a domestic home – showing how the Ouroboros monster of profit first destroys the

family unit – before moving on to the surrounding neighborhood and suburbs, even consuming

metropolises and factory zones, before growing to such as size as to envelop all who might’ve

stood in its way if only they’d noticed its horror sooner, defeating all the world’s militaries, kaiju

monsters (ostensibly the Prince of Space’s only natural enemies), and even god and all his

archangels.

The first and only aphorism that you must live by when playing this game: You must have

no moral qualms, for you have no true friends. The world is only there for your taking, and use,

and only YOUR growth is the righteous justification. In fact the only one you ever need.

Everything is for you. The Katamari is only a reflection of your Will, and it will only grow to the

extent you accept your own power. If something is at first too large to be grasped, you mark that

enemy for vengeance later, and you cast off – gathering safety pins and Legos and such – biding

your time until you have grown into an irrefutable and unstoppable power, and that smug table

lamp who thought it would never have to fear you does come tumbling down like the walls of

Jericho that had been previously erected to a false and pathetic defeated god.

Pay no attention to the incredibly adorable nonsensical J-Pop techno soundtrack which

permeates this dark undertaking. That is but the false strains of propaganda, trying to blind you to

the true terror that is this Ball of Horror that eats everything in its path. My advice to you is to mute the TV and play black speed metal, starting first and foremost fittingly with Metallica’s “The

Thing That Should Not Be.” That will put you in the right mindset, to live the life of a creature who

is clearly an affront to creation and is only meant crush all who stand before you. To live as the

face of oblivion.

This is not a game of subtlety. Not of delicate controls and miniscule increments of chess-like movements. This is rolling flattened scorched earth, absorbing all who would claim to stand

in your way. Except those two bullshit constellation levels, that suddenly end whenever you

accidentally touch the very first Bear or Cow you run into. Which that stupid King of the Cosmos

doesn’t even specify beforehand. So be on the lookout for that.

Never forget, you are the stuff of nightmares. Ask not for forgiveness, because there’s no

god to judge you, just as there is none to hear the cries of those you consume. And because you

know that even if there were A Creator, you’d just end up swallowing him too, throne and all.

As Of Now I Think You Got Me Wrong (12-28-2006)

 My mission to discover more on the habits of this strange creature, the human, goes well. They seem to have a tendency to think and talk only about themselves, while simultaneously placing themselves in situations more difficult than necessary, due (I believe) to some elemental sense of wanting to add complexity to their daily minutiae, purposely, in an attempt to, in turn, add a sense of adventure to the lives. Normalcy is no longer normal when you have to fight your way to get there.

A great deal of faith is placed in what has occured or been suggested before them. Meaning, it appears they see the deeper mysteries of the universe as some how under a cumulative effort to be discovered by their race en masse, instead of simply to be redefined by succeeding generations, as we do. This seems to lead to an inordinate amount of self-guilt due to not succeeding on the level of their fore-fathers and parents, while seeming to forget the factor of time, somehow holding the standards of anywhere from 30 to 60 years in the past as to be pursued presently.

As per their intercourse habits, this remains the area of greatest confusion. I suggest deeper study and further gathering of evidence, but my initial report follows thusly: Imagine purposely tearing yourself mentally in half. They seem to engage in some sort of massive intellectual break: their brain wants one thing, but they seem to believe their pursuit will be massively foiled if they express any hint of their desire in their physical signals, or in conversation, and instead act in a manner that does it's best to suggest nothing of the sort. In fact, often going so far as to attempt to convince the object of their desire the very opposite; that they are NOT wanted. This can be kept on for hours or even days, some reports of weeks long, unbelievable as it may sound. As I mentioned above, this can only be successful by engaging in a heavy mental split; to want one thing, and purposely act like you don't. Although it may sound reminiscent of psychosis characteristics, I assure you, it is common business on this planet. Many reports have returned stating this, with multiple agents in the field, of all caliber.

My next report will deal with the effects of this ritual, both mentally and socially on subjects who engage in it, as well as the prevalence of cultural guilt saturating this experience, (instead of seen as natural by all other creatures previously under study) and how the humans seem somehow to regret and shame themselves from it.

Interview With Jesus (01-21-2007)

 Q: So. You’re here.

A. Yep.

Q: …….Is this the final judgment?

A: Well, you’re not dead, are you?

Q: No

A: And there are no immortal wasps of fury going up your ass, is there?

Q: No

A: I’m just visiting. The judgment’s a bunch of crap, anyway. It was written in code for early day Christians to communicate with each other, and it’s referring to Romans. When “the evil kingdom crumbles??, who do you think they’re talking about? When “the righteous rise to heaven?? and “the evil will seek death to escape from righteous torture but will not find it??, who do you think the winners and losers are in that equation? I mean, can you blame the Christians for making such violent revenge fantasies for the Romans? Flaming sky, boiling sea, blood moon, and killer bees. Watching your sister get fed to lions for a half-time show at a Roman gladiator event will be more than enough to get those creative juices flowing.

Q: So why is the Revelations still in the Bible?

A: Beats me. Honestly. It’s really confusing to me. I mean, first of all, John says God said not to take anything out of the bible, but there are missing gospels like crazy. Matt, Mark, Luke, John and Paul weren’t the only guys I hung out with, so why is the new testament made up of just their stuff? I know I saw Phil, Tom, Judas, Tim, everybody was writing something whenever I said something. See, they had a bit of forgetfulness, so they wanted to make sure they remembered everything. But you know, Pete probably lost his notepad. He was real forgetful.

Q: Yeah?

A: Oh yeah! What kind of guy walks on water, then halfway to shore, it suddenly slips his mind how to do it right, and he sinks like a fucking rock!? Ah, but I sound angry, I’m sorry. I’m not really angry. It was just really funny. Still cracks me up, that’s all.

Q: I notice you swear.

A: Yeah.

Q: It’s just weird, that’s all.

A: No, you’re right. See, whenever I show up somewhere, I try to assume the dialect that I think will get me more accepted. I know high-intellect to engage in dialogue and resolve the present spiritual quandary residing in the zeitgeist of our time, or I can ghetto you about the jive-turkey blue eyed devil Boss Charlie fucking the brothers and sistas out of the motherland. But what do you think? Should I cut them out?

Q: Swearing?

A: Yeah.

Q: I don’t know. I mean, we can print them, that’s not a problem. But, from my view, it’s hard enough for people to handle that you’re here. So, I don’t know, I guess being a little more cordial would make you easier to swallow.

A: Yeah, that’s good thinking. Alright. Print this: I promise not to swear anymore for the rest of this interview. Alright, back to the show.

Q: Alright, cool. How long have you been here?

A: Well, I’m here on a bet. The World Series, last year. Someone, God I think, or maybe one of the seraphim, made some bet with me about the Red Sox winning the World Series. I said, “Yeah, sure. What have I got to lose??? They came out on top, and I won a vacation.

Q: What did you think of “The Passion???

A: That Mel Gibson movie? I never saw it. I went to “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights??, which came out at the same time. I thought it would have Patrick Swayze in it, who I’m a big fan of, but I guess I was misled. Besides, I was at the crucifixion. And I doubted a movie would get it right, so I avoided it. I heard it was pretty depressing anyway.

Q: Yeah, I heard that too.

A: Yeah, I don’t dig that.

Q: That’s a fair lead in to my next question: Is there any religion that gets you mad?

A: Well, no. There’s no one religion that gets me mad, but there are things they each do that I don’t like much. Satanists kill people, which is worse than if they were to just hurt themselves, that’s free choice. But hurting innocent people, I don’t dig. Islam has a long tendency to oppress women, that’s not cool. Judaism is really high stressed and has a lot of weird rules for membership and acceptance. I mostly feel bad for Buddhist; everybody beats them up because they think they’re wimps, and they never do anything. They’ve got no beef with anyone. They pick no fights, they don’t take any stand that’ll get anyone hurt, and still they get pushed around by everyone. Everyone here’s got it backwards. It takes a lot of guts to not beat someone when they really deserve it, to not get angry when you’ve got the green light to be, and the Buddhists get no credit for it. This is the same kind of mentality in this world that makes a woman who’s getting beaten by her boyfriend tell the guy that finally called the cops and saved her life “Lets just be friends.?? Apparently no one thinks good deeds are that impressive or awe inspiring. You know, just because someone is predisposed to doing good deeds doesn’t mean they’re weak, like he can’t take care of himself, or take care of you too.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Well, we just keep getting all these prayers from these guys, really nice guys, who are having a harder time then they should. Assholes pick on them, then girls date the assholes – they get no appreciation for basically just being nice. It’s no wonder a lot of them give up and become assholes, and the whole thing starts over again.

Q: Assholes?

A: It’s not a swear word if it’s the truth. That’s what they are. You know, when the going gets tough, nice guys still have the guts to do the right thing and be strong when they need to be. That’s one thing a lot of women here should learn – nice guys are brave and strong, and all those other things that women rightfully like in a person. I mean, look at me; nothing but good deeds, helping people, and letting people have their way when it was the right thing to do, rather than get in a fight. But when the time came, I bit the bullet, hung on the cross, and did my duty. It all ends up well, though. You know how much sex I got when I ended up in heaven?

Q: There’s sex in heaven?

A: Oh yeah. Why do you think it’s heaven? If you died for what you thought was right, kept up the good fight, you’re in like James Bond. Everyone who took a stand and kept it; me and Socrates, Hunter S. Thompson, Thoreau, Nietzsche…

Q: Nietzsche’s in heaven?

A: Yeah, why wouldn’t he be? Heaven is a place where everyone’s welcome. You get to hang out, do your own thing, there’s no venereal diseases to catch, every kind of person you could want to hook up with – hard to get, compassionate, borderline nymphomaniac even. Joan of Arc is a big draw for a lot of guys.

Q: Really?

A: Oh yeah! Courageous, speaks her mind – a slave to no one. There’s a lot of respect for those type of people up in heaven. Especially since she’s a redhead? Forget about it.

Q: Can I ask some more questions about heaven?

A: Yeah, sure.

Q: Just tell me more about it, I guess. So, everything’s….

A: Good. Everything’s good. Happy. Exciting, challenging…drugs, guns, love, sex, rock & roll, books, great conversation, and even a little port-a-pottie on one of the floors you can use to go back to Earth if you feel like it. Anything you want.

Q: What if two people’s vision of heaven don’t match?

A: That’s one of the rules you have to follow while you’re there. It’s also one of the qualifications to get in. It’s just a really laid back place, and everyone is relaxed enough to hang out and put up with everyone. There’s no revenge, no jealousy, no back stabbing, everyone’s open with their feelings and, just, hangs out. There’s really no other way to describe it. As long as you’re not purposely being a buzz kill for everyone, you’re welcome to show up.

Q: And everyone’s there?

A: Well, not everyone.

Q: Like who?

A: I don’t know, off the top of my head. I really don’t keep track of who isn’t in heaven. It’s a bit of a bummer for me. I know down here you guys have a real revenge hang-up, like you think you have all the qualifications figured out and who’s ever in or out is dependent on some rules you’ve selected. Never minding the fact that that would mean 6 billion different sets of rules for who’s in or out, you’re completely off base anyway. I wouldn’t even tell you who is or isn’t in, cause I just know, if I mentioned someone’s name who’s in hell, someone else on Earth would feel righteous: “I knew I was right! I must have it figured out.?? Like I said, no one has any of the rules figured out, cause you’re all way off base.

Q: Could you explain?

A: Yeah, sure. There was actually only one guy I ever saw who had the vision of hell right – his name is Jhonen Vasquez.

Q: The guy who wrote “Johnny The Homicidal Maniac???

A: Yeah. You know him?

Q: Yeah, I’ve read the comic book…

A: Yeah, that’s him! Man, I loved that comic book. The whole thing! And then Johnny heads to hell, and wow! This Jhonen guy got it completely right! And with no help from us, as far as I know, cause I don’t recall anyone visiting him and suggesting those ideas to him.

Q: Maybe you should go into it a little bit, just for me and the people who haven’t read it.

A: Yeah, sure. I’d be glad to. Basically, Johnny ends up in hell and finds everyone comPLETEly stressed out over every little thing. Just the most insignificant, meaningless details about the world around them. Like, this one old lady Johnny meets there explains that everyone’s in hell because they let everything get to them, and that maniacal need to control everything is keeping everyone so high stressed that they can’t enjoy themselves – then she goes berserk because she finds some lint on her jacket, and destroys a whole sidewalk! Perfect! That’s exactly it! He nailed it on the head. Everyone, alive or in hell, gets worked up about every little thing, and it keeps them out of heaven – figuratively on Earth, and literally afterwards. Also, I want to give Jhonen props for something – when Johnny goes to heaven, he’s told any pain inflicted on anyone is immediately fixed, AND that he has mental powers: he can do things just by thinking about it. So he starts blowing peoples heads up with his mind! We forgot we could do that! So we’ve been having a lot of fun getting some blood, guts, and gore flying around heaven. I want to thank Jhonen for that.

Q: Well, we’re out of time for right now. Thanks for answering everything.

A: Oh, yeah. I mean, how often am I around?

Q: I’d like to do this again sometime, if that’s alright with you.

A: Yeah, just call me up. One last thing though. Just some advice I’d like to impart, if you don’t mind. You know I have to.

Q: Sure.

A: This is for everyone. Hang out, have some fun, relax. Remember; learning to let things go is good for you, plus it’s something you have to learn how to do if you’re going to get into heaven. Enjoy yourself while you’re here. I mean yeah, heaven’s heaven, but I always like stopping in this place when I can. I’m usually so busy, but this trip has been good. You get tired of just seeing white everywhere, trust me. This is a nice place you guys got here.

But most importantly, the best piece of advice I can give you, is always be happy to wake up every morning. You’re lucky to be here, but if you don’t look forward to getting out of bed and starting your day, everyday, have the courage to take steps to change that. Go somewhere, find something, that gives you that feeling. It the greatest thing in the world, and the worst thing in world when you don’t have it. Sorry to preach a sermon, but hey, look who you’re talking to. It’s the truth.

Whack Job Conspiracy Nut Claims “Spring Is Coming” (Satire)

RED WING, MN – Disgraced geology teacher, Donald Spetzavitz continues to propagate the insane babbling that lead to his termination in the first place; the obscene notion that “winter is almost over” and “spring is almost here.”

“I know it’s been a rough winter for everyone”, says the unhinged maniac who used to be in charge of children’s education, “but we’re in the home stretch now, and then we can enjoy the beautiful outdoors again that this state has to offer.” Implying that there had been, or ever shall be a time, that this cold white despair of Minnesota winter ever did not exist, instead of what it truly is, which is a creature with no beginning or end that has forever been.

“I know it’s not a lot of people’s favorite season, but it’s got its own charm,” says the unattended nut job, who surely should be under some sort of social supervision at this point. “I’ve been skiing, and sledding with the kids. We made a snowman. Even staying inside and drinking hot chocolate with people you love, while watching the snowfall outside, can be a humbling experience to remind you of what’s really important” said the basket case, surely a danger to himself and others at this point.

This most ludicrous notion that Spetzavitz offers is that not only will this winter eventually end, but that it will somehow return again in several months, in some sort of a cyclical repetition: an unending cavalcade of misery, struggle, pain, the mocking torment of false promises of deliverance, and extinguished hope.

“It’s part of being Minnesotan,” claims the sociopath.

Toxicology Report Shows Cops Drunk With Power Led to George Floyd’s Death (Satire)

Preliminary toxicology work done on four Minneapolis police officers who were involved in George Floyd’s death has shown elevated levels of megalomania in their bloodstream.

“It’s actually quite common in police,” says Dr. Herbert Venmast, a hematologist with the University of Minnesota. “Many officers nationwide have gotten worrisome results in several tests. Extreme numbers of Unnecessary Jerk cells, Porcine mitochondria, and morbid obesity are rampant in precincts nationwide. Seeing what we call ‘Excessive Vigilante Anemia’ in these four police officers isn’t surprising.”

The questions arise as to where exactly these disturbing bacterial anomalies were first contracted, and why they’ve been allowed to fester unchecked for so long.

“That’s one thing we don’t know,” says Venmast. “Does the job naturally attract diseased subjects, or are they being infected in close quarters after they’ve been hired? Is it in the ventilation? In the water? In the donuts? I’m afraid we just don’t know.”

When asked what treatment options there were for such horribly stupid afflictions, Dr. Venmast was pessimistic.

“Cases like these are certainly not easy to cure. You’d have to start small. I’d suggest starting out with children’s books, ones with lessons about being nice to other people who look different from you. But that would first involve teaching officers like these four how to read, which is already a considerable challenge.”

No officers were quoted in this story. Why would they be? We tried, but they tear gassed our homes.

Vape Pacifiers Outlawed (Satire)

In a totally lame turn of events, little sprouts aren’t allowed to toot their sweet little cloud puffers any more, dude.

A sleaze chunk of bad types called “politicians,” I guess, decided that little squawks up to the age of 5 years are prohibited from getting their voop on with pacifiers, leading to a vapepocalypse of epic proportions.

“It’s not fair,” says local cloud chaser Zardoz Kumquat, legal name. “I was all set for my baby Popcorn Lung. We named him that because we thought it sounded so cute, just like him. I had gotten Baby’s First Fingerless Gloves and everything.”

There are plans for vapelyfe gods to get together and ride the mist into some legislative changes to fight for their rights to give their babies their own personal tiny tootle puffers, but that trip has its own challenges, as none of the vooper are registered to vote, and most don’t know how to read. Vooperbaiting.

“It’s like the tankinistas I met at the Gathering of the Juggalos always say: ‘It’s better to vape on your feet than breathe on your knees.’ I don’t know what else I can to do, I just know I have to do something. Otherwise we’re never going to be able to make the baby’s room smell like burnt pancakes.”

Heroic: Pandemic Delivery Driver Does It For Love Of The Game (Satire)

 One delivery driver finds the recent national COVID-19 pandemic to be right up his adrenaline alley.

“I got a tattoo of the germ design on my wrist. Just thought it looked cool,” says Joseph Swellen, 23. “This job is even more exciting than usual now, now that my chance to die has gone through the roof.”

Swellen says that the excitement of delivering food to people is initially what attracted him to the job.

“Once I read that the Department of Labor proved that being a delivery driver is over twice as dangerous as being a pussy-ass cop, I knew this was the gig for me.”

Since the advent of the worldwide COVID-19 Coronavirus, Swellen says the job is even more invigorating. 

“I’ve always loved the challenges of delivering food. Paying for parking out of my own pocket or take a risk getting towed, worrying about getting hit by traffic running across streets, paying my own gas and car repairs, and getting $4 a delivery with no healthcare is such a fucking thrill, living on the edge like that. Now I find out that I can die just from leaving my house and breathing deeply? What a trip, man. That’s so dope.” 

“Life is such a rush,” he coughed.

THE HEROISM OF THE MODERN AMERICAN BILLIONAIRE - Saving The Homeless, Profits & You! (Essay/Satire)

So you're a billionaire! Congratulations!

Having definitely raised yourself up single-handedly by your own bootstraps, in the vacuum sealed existence that is certainly your life, you're now free to indulge in all your favorite personal habits. You've gotten this rich, all by yourself. You obviously deserve it.

But right now I want to offer you an exciting business opportunity. One that only someone with your amazing amount of income could possibly manage. One with a considerate initial investment, but which would quite literally self-automate into a money making venture. All you would have to do is get the gears turning, and the income would literally gain its own momentum. All you'd have to do is sit back and watch your numbers grow. Work smarter not harder, as the Bible says.

There are currently over 500,000 homeless individuals in the United States (1). I'm here to try to convince you that – as far as you should be concerned – this state of affairs is like leaving money on the table. All it needs is someone with enough chutzpah to make the initial investment, and that's you. Nothing ventured means nothing gained, and the greatest gains require the greatest ventures.

First, some clarity.

Even throwing out the "it could happen to you" self-interest conjecture (preposterous on its face, obviously; you've been anointed by the universe into being this rich) you're still leaving the opportunity of more money – for yourself – in the gutter by not helping them. No one's making any money off the homeless. If they were, they wouldn't be homeless. That's just common sense.

A worker trades his labor for a paycheck. The employer who employs that worker is making more money from that worker's labor than the wages that they pay back to that worker. That's simple economics. We'd also have a tenant who pays a landlord, or a homeowner who pays a bank or yearly taxes. Providing human creatures with basic living necessities can be quite lucrative, which we can see is really just a missed opportunity for high end profits.

None of this would be possible without first securing a place for these employees to live. They need somewhere to provide them the comfort, privacy, and rest in order to become useful and functional employees. Without living quarters, they cannot become employees (2). Without employees, business will cease to exist. Of course, I don't need to tell you that. You're a billionaire! You've only gotten where you are by your shrewd and impossibly brilliant business mind and hard work. Clearly.

It's my belief that there's an unimaginable bounty of untouched wealth resting in the laurels of these unhoused peoples. I currently intend to prove it.

For example: In 2015 the city of Denver made an enormous test investment in housing a section of its homeless citizens. At the cost of $13,400 per person per year, the city was then able to save $15,733 per person per year. That's a profit of $2,373 (3). Per person! Saving money from all the hospital visits, emergency services, jails incarcerations, assistance programs, and all the other things homeless people do to pass the time, whatever that might be (4)(5)(6). For every $1 put into the program, it gave a return of $1.17. Just by unhomelessing these people, they're already making money for you. The Los Angeles County alone reported returns as high as $1.20 for their similar program (7). Are you going to let local government take the profits of the American Dream from heroic small business owners like you? Of course not! That's why this investment in housing the nation's vagrants is the right way to go for any smooth company shark like yourself.

"Alright," you say, "How much is this magic ticket money-printing machine going to cost me for an initial investment?" I hear you! I'll bet you imagine it's some enormous number, unimaginable to the human mind. First of all, not the case. Obviously you wouldn't have even been invited to this presentation on this secret island in the uncharted Pacific if you weren't already a big hitter. It'll cost next to nothing for you. Too good to be true, I know! Listen to this.

I've drawn up a hypothetical situation to explain it. Let's imagine another billionaire, looking to take a chance of this great opportunity I dropped in his lap. Using a highly randomized A.I. name generator I invented, we'll call him Beff Jezos. Using another totally randomized number algorithm, let's pretend Beff has, oh I don't know, 189 billion dollars. Just to pick a huge and random number totally out of thin air.

Now, obviously the Actual Cost of this solution I'm talking about wouldn't change depending on who I'm talking to. That could be one number or another number, but once we figure out what that number might be, it certainly wouldn't change from investor to investor. I am nothing if not an honest businessman, as of course we all are.

The real question is how much would Beff actually feel the cost of the investment he made. That is a subjective measurement. That would differ from investor to investor. To put it simply, what percentage of your fortune could you look to risk in this guaranteed safe bet venture? That would depend on the size of your fortune. Let's look into it.

For one possible number, the National Alliance to End Homelessness (for the year 2021) has requested $3 billion in funding from the federal government for its baseline functional requirements (8). This would constitute 1/63rd of Beff Jezos' entire fortune. Only 1.59%. For a comparison as a random example, if someone else was, let's say, a delivery driver in their mid-30s with $2,500 in their bank account, they could fund the entire year's budget for the National Alliance to End Homelessness (at an equivalent proportion to their "fortune") for $39.68. Roughly three hours of work. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Coincidentally, $3 billion would be nearly exactly what Jezos would pay if we assumed that his company voluntarily yielded to their 21% corporate tax rate on their profits without contesting and avoiding it with credits and deductions like they do every year, but what sucker would let that happen to their business without a fight? That'd be ridiculous. From our cold dead hands, I always say (9).

Let's even choose a larger number. Using Denver's number of $13,400 per person, let's multiply that by all the homeless people in America, to the best of our knowledge; 553,742 (1). If we multiply those numbers together, we get $7,420,148,000. Even that amount of money would only account for 3.9% of Jezos' money. $97.50 when put in the terms of our totally imaginary delivery driver. And remember, at even just the minimal rate of guaranteed return (from the Denver experiment) of $1.17 for each $1, Mr. Jezos would be looking at a return of $8,681,573,160. A profit of $1,261,430,360 at the lowest estimation. Effortlessly.

If these people are provided a warm, safe, and permanent place to live, they'll be far less likely to bring any trouble back out onto the streets that they've recently been rescued from. As far as other simple amenities; a single-profile Netflix account is $9 a month. If you multiply that by 553,742 people it's $4,983,678. Multiplied by 12 months is $59,804,136. Remember, that's the price for a full year for over half a million people. 0.0316% for Mr. Jezos. $0.79 for our delivery driver. A fee that a galactic level billionaire like yourself would only have to support until each person gets their own $9 of disposable income, and with a safe home from which to coordinate the sale of their labor, that won't take long. I would venture that every one of them would be able to stream their media by their own bootstraps within the year. A considerably small price to pay for clean streets. Making parks safe to play in, coffee shops calm to relax in, the space under bridges becomes safe to tell riddles from again, all while you rest easy knowing that you're filling your bank accounts, all from doing almost totally nothing. Never lifting a finger beyond the initial investment. Housing the homeless is like printing money. You'd be a fool to skip out on this chance, you super smart and beautiful billionaire, you. Good job just being you everyday. You hero you.

SOURCES

1) "The State of Homelessness in America"

https://endhomelessness.org/homelessness-in-america/homelessness-statistics/state-of-homelessness-report-legacy/

2) National Alliance to End Homelessness – Housing First

https://endhomelessness.org/resource/housing-first/

3) "Study Data Show That Housing Chronically Homeless People Saves Money, Lives"

https://endhomelessness.org/study-data-show-that-housing-chronically-homeless-people-saves-money-lives/

4) Housing First Helps Homelessness and Saves Money

https://upstream.mj.unc.edu/2019/02/housing-first-helps-homelessness-and-saves-money/

5) "Free Housing Helps Homeless Patients Achieve Better Healt

https://essentialhospitals.org/quality/qualityfree-housing-helps-homeless-patients-achieve-better-health/

6) Ending Chronic Homelessness Saves Taxpayers Money

http://endhomelessness.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Cost-Savings-from-PSH.pdf

7) "L.A. Homeless Housing Program Saves More Money Than It Costs"

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-12-la-homeless-housing-money.html

8) Federal Funding for Homelessness Program

https://endhomelessness.org/ending-homelessness/policy/federal-funding-homelessness-programs/

9) "Amazon had to pay federal income taxes for the first time since 2016 — here’s how much"

https://www.cnbc.com/2020/02/04/amazon-had-to-pay-federal-income-taxes-for-the-first-time-since-2016.html

10) www.netflix.com, also I'm a millenial

Wherein I Explain The Punchline

Which You Must Never Do, But I Want A Good Grade

Trying to imagine the audience for this piece was actually one of the more challenging aspects of writing this essay. It was difficult to even start until I had some kind of answer. To be honest, the final working answer I landed on was myself. I think philosophy can have a lot more art to it, when compared to the usual other methods for ascertaining knowledge. I had an idea, and I wanted to see if I could write four pages about it. Once it was finished, then I could think about what kind of audience would eventually enjoy what I had made. When I was trying to think of that imaginary group of people before writing, I was far more paralyzed from even initiating the project.

Having written it, I can look much more objectively at Who This Essay Is For. Now that it's finished, I can list its qualities far more easily. I would say that this article would definitely be a great read for anyone who already believes that how this nation deals with its homeless people – and in a related respect, how it deals with the obscenely lucrative upper class – is a moral failure of quite literally staggering proportions, the likes of which border on genocide of an entire economic class, which is unique only because it's different from the usual racially or culturally specific attempts at eliminating human beings on a mass scale. By not taking (proven here almost literally effortless effort) any action to alleviate the suffering of a particular group of people, every action performed by these billionaire – both now that they're billionaires, and retroactively whatever actions they performed in order to get to where they are now – is devoid of use for society, if not definitely harmful, and should be looked down on.

The mechanic of comedy that I used while making this point is two fold. First of all, it's more fun, not just for me to write, and also more importantly for the audience to take it in. We're talking about several morally disgusting things occurring here. This amount of medicine is going to take a equivalent amount of sugar for any reader to choke down. Secondly, it speaks directly to the specific audience I mentioned; An enormous requirement of A Joke is that you Get It. This work speaks to people who, as I said, already believe that how we treat (or more specifically, ignore) homeless people in this society is unforgivable and uncomplicated. It's wrong, unequivocally. I'm not looking to spend time convincing anyone of that. If you don't already believe that human beings deserve to be treated better than this – from previously reading not only the writers in our class but in fact any of the thousands of moral writers in our nation's history – I'm probably not going to be the one to convince you. This article, as well as the Housing First resources I use, and (I believe one could argue) the Supreme Court decisions we've read have somewhat of a shared justification that a human being cannot reach any potential (much less their best potential) without first securing a place to live safely. Deciding what to do to solve that issue is going to have to also include figuring out what to do with the people who could solve this problem effortlessly but decide not to. This essay suggests that they should be virulently ridiculed, at the very least. Tricked out of their fortune, ideally, but I admit the likelihood is slim. But one can dream.

This article is made for people who already know and personally deeply feel that what's happening is wrong, who already Get It, but who perhaps lack the language to express their deeply held beliefs. This article can provide that for them. I have statistics and facts, math and subjective budget comparisons, and strongly supported opinions, all dressed up as a time-share style "sucker born every minute" seminar, on a private hidden island in the center of the Pacific Ocean, written with several gallons of dripping sarcasm disguised as fawning billionaire flattery, all a secret code for loathing directed at the type of people who could easily do something about it all but are deciding not to. The audience that would appreciate this essay already knows the current scenario is wrong. Now I've given them facts, charts, experiments, numbers, and a (very memorable, if I may say so myself) context to couch it all in and to recall it all with. This is how I enjoy writing to the public when I write my philosophy.

'Everything Fine' Say Cops In Riot Gear (Satire)

Claiming it's PPE to prevent the spread of COVID-19, thousands of fully equipped police officers in riot gear have been seen marching in low income neighborhoods around Minneapolis, for no particular reason whatsoever.

"My wife made it," said Sergeant Eric Splatz, pointing to the kevlar wrapped breastplate he was wearing while harmlessly patrolling his beat. "She sewed it, along with the flower printed jackboots, and a little satchel for me to carry my ammunition magazines for this M-16. It's really cute."

Doing their job on this normal day like every other day since nothing terrible whatsoever recently happened, the cops were seen holding hands and skipping through the sidewalks of minority neighborhoods where they are most definitely welcome all the time and certainly get along with everyone perfectly fine thank you for asking. Why wouldn't they?

"Everything's great!" screamed officer Mike Krepwitz. "It's fine! It's super great! My kids won't talk to me! I have to sleep in my body armor to fall asleep every night. That's why I'm a hero. It's the appreciation from the citizens that really makes it worthwhile. The way they call us war criminals for stomping on human rights lets me know they care."

It sure is great being a police officer, with no shenanigans to worry about whatsoever from any co-workers, since all cops are inherently good and beautiful and nice and also brave everyday forever.

"The shield and billy club is for the virus," says Splatz. "You can't be too careful with this stuff. The tear gas is also there to disinfect the air, for your safety, since the virus does spread through the atmosphere. Sometimes the coronavirus thinks you went too far, and then it comes back to march in the street just because one of your other officers might have gone a little off the handle the other day, things might have gotten a little crazy." Immediately after this interview, Sergeant Splatz was hit by a bus.

Luckily that's nothing to worry about, since full riot gear just happens to be in vogue this summer, that's all. Minneapolis' finest is just chasing the haute couture for the coming season, which surely looks forward to friendship and camaraderie nationwide.

(published at www.theterminaltimes.com)

Amazon Generously Grants Employees Three Piss Jars Per Shift (Satire)

Seattle, WA

After several weeks of intense labor negotiations, the employee's union for Amazon workers announced they have won a hard fought battle to grant three piss jars for every employee per shift at Amazon distribution centers nationwide.

"It was a tough fight", says union representative Blake Coulson. "We had a lot of back-and-forth on it. We were forced to give up the right to have bowel movements on the premises, but in the end we decided that you could hold a number 2. But when you've gotta go, you've gotta go. The only other suggestion we came up with were plastic urethral clips, to try and stem the tide for 8 hours. But after a few cases of ruptured bladders that really cut into our productivity – what with cleaning up the inevitable urine mess and removing the dead bodies due to all the internal bleeding – we just decided that the micturition canisters were the way to go."

The development has been met with approval by several Amazon delivery employees, who hope the new waste benefits are a sign of more significant rewards to come.

"I'm happy with the whole thing," says Amazon package specialist Troy Wakeman. "For so long I've been having to go in the bulk stockpile of '50 Shades of Gray' copies we've got kept in the northeast back corner, but the smell was starting to get real bad. My clothes smell like piss all the time. My children won't even hug me when I come home from work anymore. So yeah, this is a good thing, as far as I'm concerned. Hopefully at the next round of negotiations we can win a lunch break with real food. These I.V. fluids they have us hooked up to all day so we don't have to stop to eat are really clumsy."

The move was also heralded by CEO Jeff Bezos as a high-water mark for worker's dignity and staff/management relations.

"With these new worker's contracts, Amazon has proven once again that it's committed to it's motto of 'Work hard, have fun, make history.' Employees are now fully entitled to safely drain the snake on the go during their shifts up to and including three times, with their new portable urinary receptacles. These will allow our employees to get back to work on the job they love so much, with no loss of efficiency in getting their packages to customers on time in the breakneck speed with no regard to human frailty, personal respect, or possibility of mortality that the world has come to expect from us here at Amazon." Later adding, "during this interview I've made enough money to buy new water pipes for Flint, Michigan three times over."

Illuminati Shows Terminally Ill 13 Year Old Fan How Next Election Will Turn Out (Satire)

Shadow Government Headquarters, Atlantis

13 year old conspiracy theorist fan Andrew Blakely, suffering from Stage IV brain cancer, has had his Make-A-Wish granted by the invisible cabal that controls the world to have the next round of political appointments revealed to him before his impending death, says the Associated Press.

"This is a great PR move," says Agent X, an unknowable hidden figure who was quoted in a parking garage sometime after midnight. "Since granting President Trump a secret lifetime appointment has been met with such recent complaining from The Herd, this is the Illuminati's chance to really show the blind sheep of the populace that we've actually been on their side all along, we know what's best for you, and most importantly that we have a heart."

Make-A-Wish representative Glen Franl says that granting this wish had it's own share of logistical and legal challenges to overcome in order to complete this request.

"It was one of the scariest encounters of my life. I was grabbed by strange men who leapt out of a black van on my way to work. They had Andrew as well. They put both our heads in black bags, and we were brought to an abandoned farm. There the revelations were made to Andrew, and I was granted one phone call to my boss at Make-A-Wish, confirming the wish had been fulfilled. I was then knocked unconscious and awoke back at my desk late that same night."

Franl later added, "I fully expect to die under questionable circumstances sometime after this article goes to print."

After it was all over, Blakely says the event is one he'll remember for the rest of his short life.

"Oh dude, it was awesome. First the primaries go bananas when [REDACTED] eats a [REDACTED], and then congress burns to the ground after [REDACTED] calls [REDACTED] a huge, fat, hairy [REDACTED]. By the next election in 2020, the giant cloud of [REDACTED] runs through the whole Midwest, and President [REDACTED] has [REDACTED] live on national television with [REDACTED], and [REDACTED], in a top hat made of human [REDACTED]. Then when [REDACTED] invades, the NRA gets laws passed allowing guns in hospitals for some reason, and everything really goes fucking nuts."

Also mentioned were violent conclusions to the global warming crisis, food shortages, impending race wars, and underground bunkers maintained for the world's oligarchy to survive the oncoming cataclysms.

"I'm so glad I won't have to be around for any of that shit," Blakely added.

Profile - That U of MN Student That Makes Hitler References In Every Philosophy Class (Satire)

Minneapolis, MN

Bendinigo Oselia – "Benny" for short to his friends – is a student of the University of Minnesota. Pursuing a philosophy degree as well as a religious studies double major, he's also captain of the Lacrosse team, and works full time at D.P. Dough eatery near campus. He says he's been a Gopher football fan since before he could walk, and he constantly, continuously, incessantly asks a hypothetical question involving Hitler during every single debate, during every single day, of his first level philosophy intro class this semester.

"I just think it's an important consideration to remember, that every human interaction and rhetorical argument can always be made worse if we just try assuming the worst possible consequences from it. Plus, some of my fellow students are real Nazis about how they always want the conversation to move on. It's like, come on, this dude really existed. We have to consider what he'd do in this situation, or what we'd do with him, or what he would think about the whole thing, right?"

"If I had a time machine I'd probably just use it to go back in time and ask Hitler whether he'd be for or against abortion" added Oselia.

The student's commitment to topical consistency has also drawn the attention of his professor, who offered a glowing review of Oselia's academic bravery.

"I hate that kid" said Dr. Esplania, the professor for Oselia's class. "Every day with this crap. Even when we were going through the syllabus, the very first day, this asshole asked whether the first amendment would allow 'Mein Kampf' to be printed in America. We weren't even discussing anything yet. He just raised his hand. I was way too hung over to deal with that first thing in the morning. Thank god I only have to hear from him in class. I can't imagine what his papers are like. Luckily I force my T.A. to grade everyone's papers."

When reached for comment, the Teacher's Assistant was too high to answer his phone.

Oselia has also garnered a strong reputation with his fellow students who are lucky enough to share a class with the courageous questioner.

"I hope he dies" says Ashley Fitzermann, another student who's also enrolled in Esplania's Modern Ethical History 101 class. "This Benny kid won't stop with the Hitler questions, everyday. I just signed up for this class as a general credit I can coast through, but now I have to hear this turd ask shit like, 'If God made us in his own image does that mean God has a Hitler mustache?' He makes it really hard to concentrate but luckily my Adderall hookup just got out of prison, so that helps me ignore him."

Some claim it's not just a scholarly endeavor, but have seen Oselia pursuing his speculative advocacy in his free time, off school grounds.

"Oh yeah, I know that kid" said Petrovic Malkineen, the manager at the local PetSmart. "He used to come in everyday and yell 'DEBATE ME!' at the parakeets. We had to kick him out. He's the only guy I know with a lifetime ban from every PetSmart in the state."

Even through all that, Oselia is committed to pursuing what he believes is a noble quest for intellectual rigor, despite all evidence to the contrary.

"It's hard work, but I still do it. I think it's important. Do I wish a gypsy hadn't cursed me to wander the Earth living forever, and unlikable mold and scab upon the face of God's creation, constantly asking things like what would Adolf Hitler do if he was stuck on a deserted island? Of course I do. But someone has to do it. I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could stop. I wish I had friends, a girlfriend. Even people I chat with online think I do it too much, can you imagine that?"

"I'm just asking questions," he sobbed.

Many Worlds Theory Of Universe Finally Proves Existence Of Dimension Made Entirely Of Cinnabun Franchises (Satire)

Geneva, Switzerland

An international team of scientist have announced a major breakthrough in the Many Worlds Theory of quantum mechanics. After having discovered a new dimension which every building is a standing Cinnabun franchise, modern science is declared victorious and complete.

"This is a great boon to mankind" quotes suspiciously newly obese physicist Dr. Michio Kaku. "After many decades and even more dreams – since the dawn of man, one might say – we have finally discovered a land made entirely of free delicious baked goods."

"It's like El Dorado, but with frosting", says the scientist.

The discovery has come at the perfect time. The CERN particle accelerator was under threat of losing it's government funding, since it was discovered that, contrary to the hope of engineers, the Higgs-Boson particle was not actually a type of edible sprinkle.

"That was a real kick in the pants" says astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson: "We were hoping to add it to our Mobius-Strip String Theory Infinite Donut, but that fell through, too.

"But now, everyone's got their motivation back. It just goes to show you: if you stick to the scientific method, it will reveal the poetry of the stars and the rhythm of the cosmos. And lead you to magic lands where even the streetlights and stray dogs are made of edible cinnamon flavored strudels and it rains white frosting in lightning stricken monsoons 24 hours a day, everyday.

"I can finally retire from science".

Certain voices of disagreement have appeared however from other corners of the space-science world. Most notable of which is world famous seat-stricken scientist Stephen Hawking.

"This discovery will be the death of us all", claims Mr. Hawking's robotic spokesman.

"Beyond just the possible collapse of the chocolate wave function, there's the further concern of the fact that this may make our species susceptible to other intergalactic civilizations looking to pilfer our new found boon. We may simply have never heard from our planetary neighbors only because we had nothing they wanted."

Luckily, being a nerd who can't even walk right, no one is listening to him.

Many people are wondering what's next for science now that this great peak has been reached. Where will we go? Where will the indefatigable human spirit of look to now for its next discoveries?

"Who cares?" claims Tyson. "There's nothing left I want to do. Personally, I don't expect to live much longer," he said, beginning to feel the effects of his anesthesia for his third liposuction procedure that day.

"What could heaven have that could possibly compare?"

Vikings Trade Stadium To Philadelphia For New Mascot (Satire)

Minneapolis, MN

After searching through the off-season for a suitable mascot replacement, the Minnesota Vikings have settled on the Phillie Phanatic, having only had to yield the athletic rights to their newly-built U.S. Bank Stadium in order to secure the deal.

The Vikings front office expressed optimism for the deal.

"The mascot is a key component to our plans for the Super Bowl", said head coach Mike Zimmer. "It's important to have the Minnesota crowd on our side, because I said I'd bring them a team to be proud of, and I expect to do that. We'll just have to play somewhere else while we're doing it."

When asked if there's any issue with the fact that the Phillie Phanatic is actually a baseball mascot, not a football one, team owner Zygi Wilf said it was a non-issue.

"As I understand the species, I believe it will be able to acclimate to our harsh winters. With a thick orange coat, and its tube-like proboscis no doubt designed for digging deep into harsh climates for sustenance, I have every belief that the Phanatic will be able to provide for the t-shirt cannon and YMCA-dance-conducting needs that these fans deserve." Later adding, "Yes, I am an actual billionaire whose real name is actually Zygi Wilf."

Players also expressed a positive attitude when told of the recent developments.

"I'm excited personally", says wide receiver Stefon Diggs. "I'm excited to see where this team goes, I'm excited for the future, and I'm excited to see how the team meshes together now that we don't actually have a stadium to play or even practice in. But I know I can do my part, and we can all do our part, and be the best team we can be. We can lose wherever you need us to lose. We're professionals."

Gotham Ends Crime With New 'Capital Punishment For Any Villain Batman Brings In' Program (Satire)

Gotham, America

Cheers of victory today as Gotham City enjoys its third month of still-dropping crime rates after instituting its new "Supervillain Execution" policy, based on the standard that any criminal that Batman has to defeat singlehandedly is immediately and without trial executed in the quickest possible fashion.

"Each of these villains has been a constant threat and an existential dread to the very foundation of this great city," says Commissioner Jim Gordon. "Leaving it in within a hair's-breadth of destruction from a giant freeze lazer, a nightmare clown who kills you in your sleep, or another Freudian-related metropolitan wide affliction of some sort. Well we as a people said 'no more', while also adding that 'if we have to get Batman to do it, we'd definitely kill the shit out of you afterwards.'"

Joker, The Penguin, Two-Face, Bane, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, Ra's al Ghul, Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, Hush, Clayface, Solomon Grundy, Calendar Man, Mad Hatter, Cluemaster, Ventriloquist (just the doll), and the Ten Eyed Man have all fallen under the state sanctioned elimination program.

According to Gordon, it was immediately a unianimous decision. "We first came up with the idea after Two-Face kidnapped all the identical twins in the city and made their parents choose which one was going to live...again. At that point we decided we'd had enough. One person asked if we should put it to a city resolution or something. I said there's no way there's anyone left in the city who isn't bored of the whole goddamn thing by now."

As it looks, the resolution has been welcomed with open arms by all the citizenry of Gotham, who can now walk the city easily without worrying about being turned into marionette puppets, frozen into a giant snowglobe, or eaten by a giant lizard man.

"I think it's a great idea", claims local philanthropist Bruce Wayne. "I think finally this city can heal. Maybe get some therapy and move on with its life."

"I wonder what we'll do with all our free time now", he added.

Man In T-Rex Costume Wins Ms. America Contest (Satire)

Atlantic City, NJ

The Miss America pageant has concluded, and the new Miss America for 2016 is Richard Bremery, who attended and performed the entire competition dressed in a Tyrannasaurous Rex costume.

Bremery, who neither now nor has ever been a woman, was awarded the crown after getting unanimous victory scores in every category, including the gladiator bout.

"This is about inclusion", says Miss America Organization CEO Sam Haskell. "The Miss America pagent is open to all women, aged 18 to 26, provided they're acceptably attractive for television. The contestants represent America, in all its awesome beauty, elegance, and razor sharp teeth."

Mr. Bremery spoke of how winning the competition is the culmination of a dream of several weeks.

"I always thought I could make a difference", he shouted over the sound of the costume's internal fan ventilation system. "Ever since I was fired from Baskin Robbins for that bullshit sexual misconduct lawsuit, I knew I had to do something big and public."

Adding, "It was injustice, I tell you. How could I have slapped that woman's ass? Look at these little arms. I can't even get food to my mouth. I have to scavenge for it."

Television ratings for the aging pageant also provided a wave of relief, as a record number of viewers tuned in to watch the polyester dressed Cretaceous era therapod take on humans of a comparatively more chewable consistency.

"I was worried at one point during the Q&A when the terrible lizard actually bit the head off the master of ceremonies", says Haskell. "But it appeared to only help his score. Apparently no one actually liked Carrot Top. I don't know how he got the job."

With his new found publicity, the Mr. Miss America Bremery is looking towards the future, with upcoming booked national appearances, a campaign for his personal project as a Land Mine Advocate, and making a nest in order to lay his eggs for a mate to fertilize later.

Muslim Air Defends New 'Profile Every Banker' Policy (Satire)

JFK Airport, New York City, New York

Sending shockwaves through Wall Street, the Supreme Court has upheld the first modern case of profiling, supporting Muslim Air in their franchise-wide program of interrogation for every banker who flies its airline.

The move was defended by many in the public sector. Like, everyone who's not a banker, actually.

The policy first started on New Year's Day 2008, shortly after the beginning of the American housing market collapse, which lead to the first international recession of the 21^st century, with untold millions of jobs destroyed, houses lost, and lives destroyed and/or lost. Like, everywhere. Across the entire world. Seriously.

"I say they deserve it", says literally anyone who's been paying attention at all over the last 15 years. "We weren't able to get these dudes into prison. The least we can do is make them slightly uncomfortable when they fly. I say more power to Muslim Air. Give those pricks an extra thumb up their ass for me."

The airline has also been able to grab several millions in DVD sales from their recordings of bankers in holding cells, losing their luggage, and being interrogated for their personal business and private habits.

Extremist religious terrorists of all sects around the world also expressed support for the new program.

"You know, we were really blown away by these guys," says [redacted] "Wow. I didn't even notice the pun in that last sentence. Anyway, I mean, we've been using bombs, and shoe bombs, and car bombs, and human bombs...when you look at it like that, it's really pretty boring. 7, 12 people at most. Too much flash. No patience. These dudes ruined the entire world, from the desks in their corner offices. But they did it quietly, one day at a time. And then they just hit the last domino, took more money than the number of people who have ever been born in the history of the world, and ran off to the Bahamas on a fake name. You gotta respect that kind of talent."

Adding: "But yes, please make them suffer everyday. I mean, I had a job and a family before this bullshit dropped. Fuck those dudes."

No bankers were quoted for this story. Who would give a shit what they had to say, anyway.

Quentin Tarantino Now Just Giving Guns To Audience For New Movie (Satire)

Alamo Drafthouse, Austin, TX

In preparation for his latest film, cinematic auteur Quentin Tarantino is now simply arming entire movies audiences in lieu of any actual plot, special effects, or actors.

"I wanted realism, and fuck, we're going to get it", said the 53 year old American director. "Just guns. Everywhere. And no knives, either. You don't get that great splashing blood-squish sound effect with a knife."

Bearing gifts of berrettas, dessert eagles, colt six-shooters, magnums, fucking shotguns, and even tiny secret derringers, Tarantino sits ready to once again re-invent the genre of film, with his verisimilitudinous fantasy, anachronistic soundtrack, non-chronologic editing, re-appropriated cultural references, and total holocaust of a body count that fans have come to expect from the celluloid wunderkid.

"We trust Quentin implicitly", says producer Lawrence Bender. "We've had Quentin's back and given him a home to produce his splendid films which both reinforce clichés while subverting them, ever since Reservoir Dogs, and through all his work which have only increased in maturity – and super-gross physical brutality – up to and including his current project. We have full faith in his ability to keep getting us near-Oscar worthy movies."

Bringing along Samuel L. Jackson because he's, "my good luck charm", Tarantino sits ready to visit each major movie theater and film making class in every major metropolitan area in all the 50 states, on a traveling road tour for the new project called Q'NRA, short for "Quentin's National Rifle Association". Each stop is approximately 6 hours long, with a 15 minute intermission at the halfway point. Staring only the director. You will speak when spoken to.

And at nearly 60, the director shows no sign of slowing down, speaking openly of several new projects coming in the future.

"I'm doing a hentai revenge biopic about Godzilla, for one thing. And I'm also in talks with Ennio Morricone, in my basement, about getting to work on the soundtrack I'll need for my remake of 'The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly'. It's a modern update. The Man with No Name says, 'Nigger' a lot. Like, a bunch. Hopefully I'll be able to get Michael Madsen to play the part."

9 Mass Killers Who Woke Up Like Dis (Satire)

Norwegian Shooter

http://www.denverpost.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/20120420__20120421_A21_ND21NORWAYp1.jpg?w=600

With a double lucky 77 kills, Norway decided this killer was too sexy to execute, or sexecute, as it's known in the ancient Norse language of the Vikings. Auf wiederFine, amirite?

Batman Shooter

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b6/James_Holmes%2C_cropped.jpg

In his prision jumpsuit, he looks just like a sexy Cheeto. James Holmes will no doubt be played by George Clooney, Idris Elba, or a giant walking pile of solid gold in the inevitable "True Events" meta-movie about violence in movies in violence in movies in violence DURING movies no doubt currently in pre-production.

Norse Goddess Dis

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/5/5d/The_Dises_by_Hardy.jpg

The Norse comes in again on our vapid fucking list with The Dis, the singular name for the group of females goddesses the Disir, who were in charge of fertility, had bloody pagan sacrifice rituals held in their name, and probably looking fine as hell while they summonded the spirits of dead women.

Chicago Murder Hotel

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/ac/Dr._Henry_Howard_Holmes_(Herman_Webster_Mudgett).jpg

Reaching back to olden times, we have the debonair butcher with the killer crash pad, H. H. Holmes, owner of the Chicago Murder castle. Singlehandedly responsible for between 27 to 200 murders, this handlebar moustachioed assassin has a handle on our heart.

Columbine

http://www.columbine-online.com/columbine-online-img/killers/columbine-yearbook-eric-harris-dylan-klebold-young.jpg

From an oldest of times to the freshest of faces, these cuties did a double team on America, and ran an Eiffel Tower on our country's innocence.

Goddess Dis

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/73/Eris_Antikensammlung_Berlin_F1775.jpg

Known as Dis in Latin, originally Eris in Ancient Greek, this brown haired beauty is the source of all discord, chaos, and argument in the human race. Or maybe she isn't. What's it to you? You're not the boss of me.

John Wayne Gacy

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/11/Johnwaynegacypogo.jpg

Fuck this. I can't make this funny. I fucking hate clowns.

Jeffrey Dahmer

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/0c/Jeffrey_Dahmer_Milwaukee_Police_1991_mugshot.jpg

This delicious killer is a scrumptuous example of Midwestern taste, making a delectable plate or a sexy side dish for our hungry eyes.

He killed people and ate their bodies.

City of Dis

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/87/Stradano_Inferno_Map_Lower.jpg

The Kingdom of the Fallen One. The End of All Hope. Furthest from the eye of God. The dwelling of all demons and sinners. The Final Catwalk. Sexiest headquarters of your nightmares, this final resting place of the Progenitor of Lies, it's the perfect place for your Italian getaway into a living analogy for your current times of moral disgust and social entropy, the inevitable conclusion of which none of us will ever escape, as we're all slowly consumed by the triple-headed beast of pure destruction and eternal misery.