Atlantic City, NJ
The Miss America pageant has concluded, and the new Miss America for 2016 is Richard Bremery, who attended and performed the entire competition dressed in a Tyrannasaurous Rex costume.
Bremery, who neither now nor has ever been a woman, was awarded the crown after getting unanimous victory scores in every category, including the gladiator bout.
"This is about inclusion", says Miss America Organization CEO Sam Haskell. "The Miss America pagent is open to all women, aged 18 to 26, provided they're acceptably attractive for television. The contestants represent America, in all its awesome beauty, elegance, and razor sharp teeth."
Mr. Bremery spoke of how winning the competition is the culmination of a dream of several weeks.
"I always thought I could make a difference", he shouted over the sound of the costume's internal fan ventilation system. "Ever since I was fired from Baskin Robbins for that bullshit sexual misconduct lawsuit, I knew I had to do something big and public."
Adding, "It was injustice, I tell you. How could I have slapped that woman's ass? Look at these little arms. I can't even get food to my mouth. I have to scavenge for it."
Television ratings for the aging pageant also provided a wave of relief, as a record number of viewers tuned in to watch the polyester dressed Cretaceous era therapod take on humans of a comparatively more chewable consistency.
"I was worried at one point during the Q&A when the terrible lizard actually bit the head off the master of ceremonies", says Haskell. "But it appeared to only help his score. Apparently no one actually liked Carrot Top. I don't know how he got the job."
With his new found publicity, the Mr. Miss America Bremery is looking towards the future, with upcoming booked national appearances, a campaign for his personal project as a Land Mine Advocate, and making a nest in order to lay his eggs for a mate to fertilize later.
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