Q: So. You’re here.
A. Yep.
Q: …….Is this the final judgment?
A: Well, you’re not dead, are you?
Q: No
A: And there are no immortal wasps of fury going up your ass, is there?
Q: No
A: I’m just visiting. The judgment’s a bunch of crap, anyway. It was written in code for early day Christians to communicate with each other, and it’s referring to Romans. When “the evil kingdom crumbles??, who do you think they’re talking about? When “the righteous rise to heaven?? and “the evil will seek death to escape from righteous torture but will not find it??, who do you think the winners and losers are in that equation? I mean, can you blame the Christians for making such violent revenge fantasies for the Romans? Flaming sky, boiling sea, blood moon, and killer bees. Watching your sister get fed to lions for a half-time show at a Roman gladiator event will be more than enough to get those creative juices flowing.
Q: So why is the Revelations still in the Bible?
A: Beats me. Honestly. It’s really confusing to me. I mean, first of all, John says God said not to take anything out of the bible, but there are missing gospels like crazy. Matt, Mark, Luke, John and Paul weren’t the only guys I hung out with, so why is the new testament made up of just their stuff? I know I saw Phil, Tom, Judas, Tim, everybody was writing something whenever I said something. See, they had a bit of forgetfulness, so they wanted to make sure they remembered everything. But you know, Pete probably lost his notepad. He was real forgetful.
Q: Yeah?
A: Oh yeah! What kind of guy walks on water, then halfway to shore, it suddenly slips his mind how to do it right, and he sinks like a fucking rock!? Ah, but I sound angry, I’m sorry. I’m not really angry. It was just really funny. Still cracks me up, that’s all.
Q: I notice you swear.
A: Yeah.
Q: It’s just weird, that’s all.
A: No, you’re right. See, whenever I show up somewhere, I try to assume the dialect that I think will get me more accepted. I know high-intellect to engage in dialogue and resolve the present spiritual quandary residing in the zeitgeist of our time, or I can ghetto you about the jive-turkey blue eyed devil Boss Charlie fucking the brothers and sistas out of the motherland. But what do you think? Should I cut them out?
Q: Swearing?
A: Yeah.
Q: I don’t know. I mean, we can print them, that’s not a problem. But, from my view, it’s hard enough for people to handle that you’re here. So, I don’t know, I guess being a little more cordial would make you easier to swallow.
A: Yeah, that’s good thinking. Alright. Print this: I promise not to swear anymore for the rest of this interview. Alright, back to the show.
Q: Alright, cool. How long have you been here?
A: Well, I’m here on a bet. The World Series, last year. Someone, God I think, or maybe one of the seraphim, made some bet with me about the Red Sox winning the World Series. I said, “Yeah, sure. What have I got to lose??? They came out on top, and I won a vacation.
Q: What did you think of “The Passion???
A: That Mel Gibson movie? I never saw it. I went to “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights??, which came out at the same time. I thought it would have Patrick Swayze in it, who I’m a big fan of, but I guess I was misled. Besides, I was at the crucifixion. And I doubted a movie would get it right, so I avoided it. I heard it was pretty depressing anyway.
Q: Yeah, I heard that too.
A: Yeah, I don’t dig that.
Q: That’s a fair lead in to my next question: Is there any religion that gets you mad?
A: Well, no. There’s no one religion that gets me mad, but there are things they each do that I don’t like much. Satanists kill people, which is worse than if they were to just hurt themselves, that’s free choice. But hurting innocent people, I don’t dig. Islam has a long tendency to oppress women, that’s not cool. Judaism is really high stressed and has a lot of weird rules for membership and acceptance. I mostly feel bad for Buddhist; everybody beats them up because they think they’re wimps, and they never do anything. They’ve got no beef with anyone. They pick no fights, they don’t take any stand that’ll get anyone hurt, and still they get pushed around by everyone. Everyone here’s got it backwards. It takes a lot of guts to not beat someone when they really deserve it, to not get angry when you’ve got the green light to be, and the Buddhists get no credit for it. This is the same kind of mentality in this world that makes a woman who’s getting beaten by her boyfriend tell the guy that finally called the cops and saved her life “Lets just be friends.?? Apparently no one thinks good deeds are that impressive or awe inspiring. You know, just because someone is predisposed to doing good deeds doesn’t mean they’re weak, like he can’t take care of himself, or take care of you too.
Q: What do you mean?
A: Well, we just keep getting all these prayers from these guys, really nice guys, who are having a harder time then they should. Assholes pick on them, then girls date the assholes – they get no appreciation for basically just being nice. It’s no wonder a lot of them give up and become assholes, and the whole thing starts over again.
Q: Assholes?
A: It’s not a swear word if it’s the truth. That’s what they are. You know, when the going gets tough, nice guys still have the guts to do the right thing and be strong when they need to be. That’s one thing a lot of women here should learn – nice guys are brave and strong, and all those other things that women rightfully like in a person. I mean, look at me; nothing but good deeds, helping people, and letting people have their way when it was the right thing to do, rather than get in a fight. But when the time came, I bit the bullet, hung on the cross, and did my duty. It all ends up well, though. You know how much sex I got when I ended up in heaven?
Q: There’s sex in heaven?
A: Oh yeah. Why do you think it’s heaven? If you died for what you thought was right, kept up the good fight, you’re in like James Bond. Everyone who took a stand and kept it; me and Socrates, Hunter S. Thompson, Thoreau, Nietzsche…
Q: Nietzsche’s in heaven?
A: Yeah, why wouldn’t he be? Heaven is a place where everyone’s welcome. You get to hang out, do your own thing, there’s no venereal diseases to catch, every kind of person you could want to hook up with – hard to get, compassionate, borderline nymphomaniac even. Joan of Arc is a big draw for a lot of guys.
Q: Really?
A: Oh yeah! Courageous, speaks her mind – a slave to no one. There’s a lot of respect for those type of people up in heaven. Especially since she’s a redhead? Forget about it.
Q: Can I ask some more questions about heaven?
A: Yeah, sure.
Q: Just tell me more about it, I guess. So, everything’s….
A: Good. Everything’s good. Happy. Exciting, challenging…drugs, guns, love, sex, rock & roll, books, great conversation, and even a little port-a-pottie on one of the floors you can use to go back to Earth if you feel like it. Anything you want.
Q: What if two people’s vision of heaven don’t match?
A: That’s one of the rules you have to follow while you’re there. It’s also one of the qualifications to get in. It’s just a really laid back place, and everyone is relaxed enough to hang out and put up with everyone. There’s no revenge, no jealousy, no back stabbing, everyone’s open with their feelings and, just, hangs out. There’s really no other way to describe it. As long as you’re not purposely being a buzz kill for everyone, you’re welcome to show up.
Q: And everyone’s there?
A: Well, not everyone.
Q: Like who?
A: I don’t know, off the top of my head. I really don’t keep track of who isn’t in heaven. It’s a bit of a bummer for me. I know down here you guys have a real revenge hang-up, like you think you have all the qualifications figured out and who’s ever in or out is dependent on some rules you’ve selected. Never minding the fact that that would mean 6 billion different sets of rules for who’s in or out, you’re completely off base anyway. I wouldn’t even tell you who is or isn’t in, cause I just know, if I mentioned someone’s name who’s in hell, someone else on Earth would feel righteous: “I knew I was right! I must have it figured out.?? Like I said, no one has any of the rules figured out, cause you’re all way off base.
Q: Could you explain?
A: Yeah, sure. There was actually only one guy I ever saw who had the vision of hell right – his name is Jhonen Vasquez.
Q: The guy who wrote “Johnny The Homicidal Maniac???
A: Yeah. You know him?
Q: Yeah, I’ve read the comic book…
A: Yeah, that’s him! Man, I loved that comic book. The whole thing! And then Johnny heads to hell, and wow! This Jhonen guy got it completely right! And with no help from us, as far as I know, cause I don’t recall anyone visiting him and suggesting those ideas to him.
Q: Maybe you should go into it a little bit, just for me and the people who haven’t read it.
A: Yeah, sure. I’d be glad to. Basically, Johnny ends up in hell and finds everyone comPLETEly stressed out over every little thing. Just the most insignificant, meaningless details about the world around them. Like, this one old lady Johnny meets there explains that everyone’s in hell because they let everything get to them, and that maniacal need to control everything is keeping everyone so high stressed that they can’t enjoy themselves – then she goes berserk because she finds some lint on her jacket, and destroys a whole sidewalk! Perfect! That’s exactly it! He nailed it on the head. Everyone, alive or in hell, gets worked up about every little thing, and it keeps them out of heaven – figuratively on Earth, and literally afterwards. Also, I want to give Jhonen props for something – when Johnny goes to heaven, he’s told any pain inflicted on anyone is immediately fixed, AND that he has mental powers: he can do things just by thinking about it. So he starts blowing peoples heads up with his mind! We forgot we could do that! So we’ve been having a lot of fun getting some blood, guts, and gore flying around heaven. I want to thank Jhonen for that.
Q: Well, we’re out of time for right now. Thanks for answering everything.
A: Oh, yeah. I mean, how often am I around?
Q: I’d like to do this again sometime, if that’s alright with you.
A: Yeah, just call me up. One last thing though. Just some advice I’d like to impart, if you don’t mind. You know I have to.
Q: Sure.
A: This is for everyone. Hang out, have some fun, relax. Remember; learning to let things go is good for you, plus it’s something you have to learn how to do if you’re going to get into heaven. Enjoy yourself while you’re here. I mean yeah, heaven’s heaven, but I always like stopping in this place when I can. I’m usually so busy, but this trip has been good. You get tired of just seeing white everywhere, trust me. This is a nice place you guys got here.
But most importantly, the best piece of advice I can give you, is always be happy to wake up every morning. You’re lucky to be here, but if you don’t look forward to getting out of bed and starting your day, everyday, have the courage to take steps to change that. Go somewhere, find something, that gives you that feeling. It the greatest thing in the world, and the worst thing in world when you don’t have it. Sorry to preach a sermon, but hey, look who you’re talking to. It’s the truth.
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