Muslim Air Defends New 'Profile Every Banker' Policy (Satire)

JFK Airport, New York City, New York

Sending shockwaves through Wall Street, the Supreme Court has upheld the first modern case of profiling, supporting Muslim Air in their franchise-wide program of interrogation for every banker who flies its airline.

The move was defended by many in the public sector. Like, everyone who's not a banker, actually.

The policy first started on New Year's Day 2008, shortly after the beginning of the American housing market collapse, which lead to the first international recession of the 21^st century, with untold millions of jobs destroyed, houses lost, and lives destroyed and/or lost. Like, everywhere. Across the entire world. Seriously.

"I say they deserve it", says literally anyone who's been paying attention at all over the last 15 years. "We weren't able to get these dudes into prison. The least we can do is make them slightly uncomfortable when they fly. I say more power to Muslim Air. Give those pricks an extra thumb up their ass for me."

The airline has also been able to grab several millions in DVD sales from their recordings of bankers in holding cells, losing their luggage, and being interrogated for their personal business and private habits.

Extremist religious terrorists of all sects around the world also expressed support for the new program.

"You know, we were really blown away by these guys," says [redacted] "Wow. I didn't even notice the pun in that last sentence. Anyway, I mean, we've been using bombs, and shoe bombs, and car bombs, and human bombs...when you look at it like that, it's really pretty boring. 7, 12 people at most. Too much flash. No patience. These dudes ruined the entire world, from the desks in their corner offices. But they did it quietly, one day at a time. And then they just hit the last domino, took more money than the number of people who have ever been born in the history of the world, and ran off to the Bahamas on a fake name. You gotta respect that kind of talent."

Adding: "But yes, please make them suffer everyday. I mean, I had a job and a family before this bullshit dropped. Fuck those dudes."

No bankers were quoted for this story. Who would give a shit what they had to say, anyway.