Preliminary toxicology work done on four Minneapolis police officers who were involved in George Floyd’s death has shown elevated levels of megalomania in their bloodstream.
“It’s actually quite common in police,” says Dr. Herbert Venmast, a hematologist with the University of Minnesota. “Many officers nationwide have gotten worrisome results in several tests. Extreme numbers of Unnecessary Jerk cells, Porcine mitochondria, and morbid obesity are rampant in precincts nationwide. Seeing what we call ‘Excessive Vigilante Anemia’ in these four police officers isn’t surprising.”
The questions arise as to where exactly these disturbing bacterial anomalies were first contracted, and why they’ve been allowed to fester unchecked for so long.
“That’s one thing we don’t know,” says Venmast. “Does the job naturally attract diseased subjects, or are they being infected in close quarters after they’ve been hired? Is it in the ventilation? In the water? In the donuts? I’m afraid we just don’t know.”
When asked what treatment options there were for such horribly stupid afflictions, Dr. Venmast was pessimistic.
“Cases like these are certainly not easy to cure. You’d have to start small. I’d suggest starting out with children’s books, ones with lessons about being nice to other people who look different from you. But that would first involve teaching officers like these four how to read, which is already a considerable challenge.”
No officers were quoted in this story. Why would they be? We tried, but they tear gassed our homes.
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