Some words of advice, demands, and suggestions, with words of love or quick favorite moments mixed in.
#1. Wiping my ass and then throwing the toilet paper in a wastebasket instead of being able to flush it down is the grossest thing I've ever seen an arguably Developed Country treat as normal and acceptable. You HAVE running water - this isn't a complaint I'd have if I ever visited an African Jungle village - but YOU'RE just lazy and cheap.
#2. Toss out the celibacy thing for your priests. Either that or keep them out of the cities. I don't need to watch another padre in full black robe following a voluptuously beautiful woman down the sidewalk just a little too closely, muttering to himself with a very unkosher look on his face. It's the only time I've ever seen it, but once is already one too many.
#3. You're all the worst drivers I've ever seen in my life, but if anyone ever ACTUALLY followed the lights, signs, and laws, there'd be a 9 car plie-up with 12 people dead. Your perfect zen and flow around each other is honestly really impressive. This reckless steel poetry, I find it exhilarating.
#4. (I don't exactly know how you can "do" this, but) Please stop making my very very distant cousins very very attractive. That shit is very very confusing.
#5. Please remove the homeless guys selling me bootleg DVD copies of the newest Twilight movie and dog-on-girl porn walking around the dining tables outside your restaurants. It has a tendency to interrupt the flow of my mealtime conversations and appetite. However, you guys with the violins, accordions, or selling roses, you can stay.
This one is my favorite one, so it gets my favorite number. From George, the cranky awesome British manager at the hostel I stayed at, The Hostel Zeus, in Athens.
#666. "Americans can't be pigeonholed. Anyone from any other country, I can figure out. All French people act a certain way, all Italians act a certain other way, I can predict Germans, Australians...anyone except American. It's a total crapshoot, from one to the other. They're completely unpredictable."
I'm still giggling even now writing this and thinking about it again. So remember: Keep your Fleak Flag Flying floks, we've got to keep those internationales on their toes.
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