I don't like hero worship. I'm a blood-born sucker for the Nietzschean school, which says putting mortal folk on the soapbox to godhead takes the humanity out of their deeds, and resolves us of any guilt for being lazy. "Being born a supreme being, I could never follow in those deep footsteps." Fuck to that, says me and Friedrich. The tasks seemed herculean, so the fact that they were physically possible puts the weight on our shoulders to beat the unbeatable.
I tell you now that the last and only thing I worshipped has just literally died. Heart-stopped. He was better than anything or anyone I've ever come across. I'm literally stacking his body of work up against everything everyone has ever done. Ghandhi, Martin Luther King, Jesus, God themself. Fuck them, and fuck you. I refuse to pretend like I'm kidding. You don't agree, stop reading. The step ahead he had on them all was the fact that they were always just another punchline for him. He was the walking symbol for the fact that the jester is always one step ahead of everyone. They're professional bitchers. Nothing is good enough for them. Nothing is perfect, nothing is good enough. Nothing lasted so long in supreme power that it could not eventually be made fun of someday. The man's good was better than the entire bad of the Nazi's, simply by joking about them. Two Towers fell once, on one goddamn day. Everyday we cry about it, it's like they fall all over again, everyday, until we start laughing about it. That's when the healing begins. The scars are never gone, but making them a punchline, now they're a punchline, and not a scar anymore.
I was 14, and some social parasite at the time named Derek Biedermann loaned me "You Are All Diseased" on tape. My skull melted. I got everything I could from him, and listened to them until the tapes burned, in a poetic sense. I just started listening to the CD's again a few days ago. I was having trouble coming up with new jokes, and I decided to remind myself again why I love this fucking art so much. I felt like a kid again.
I apologize for the weak post. I know some of you might want me to expound onto something beautiful, but I don't have the energy for that. The thing that I've been fearing my entire adult life has just happened. I'm just concerned I'm going to get fired from my job, actually. The last watershed of my patience has just been destroyed, and I don't know how long the gloves are going to be able to stay on. I'm not even crying, and the lack of emotion in me right now is kind of frightening. I think I'm just numb, which is a sure sign I'm going to start going out of my way to snort coke in the breakroom just for the thrill of breaking a rule, just to put my brains through a strainer, like a chunk of sick spaghetti, and clean the tension out like dirty water.
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