When I was young, I remember a cartoon show based on the film "Free Willy." In this cartoon, human characters had invented a machine to talk to marine mammals – dolphins, whales, seals, things like that.
Having been inspired ever since, as a result, I bring you my newest invention. I call it the Bubble Babbler.
With this amazing invention, I was finally able to talk to dolphins. To finally understand the mystery of nature and begin to discover what miracles could result from being able to speak with such an intelligent non-human species.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have discovered that dolphins are quite possibly the most boring animals in the world.
They just want to talk about ocean currents, how raw fish are so much better than cooked the way people eat them, and how much they wished they had gills. There is even some evidence that dolphins are so boring that whales try to escape their conversations so quickly that they do not notice where they are going and accidentally get stuck on the beach.
As a result of these studies – and the discovery that my life's work is ultimately meaningless – I've decided to stop being a scientist and go live in the mountains, where I hope to never have to see another dolphin as long as I live.
Goodbye forever, losers.
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